Valentine’s

Happy Valentine’s to anyone who’s reading this.

Well, it ain’t a happy one for me. I knew we were unable to celebrate Vday this year, just like the past few years. No roses, no presents, no surprises.

Some may say it’s over-rated, but it’s the only day that I can feel special cause I can say I don’t get treated specially on other days though I agreed with you that Vday was just another ordinary day.

You told me you were tired from your busy day of work. But even that tiredness couldn’t stop you from going out with your friends. If it was me asking you out, without a doubt I bet you’d would have disagreed saying you’re tired. Why am I treated this way? I really don’t understand why I deserve such treatment. I don’t need flowers or presents, I just wanna celebrate this special day with you. But no, I can’t.

All I wanted was to be treated like someone special. Well, I guess I’m not that special afterall.

2nd

It’s the 2nd of November once again. It marks our 2 years anniversary.

But everything feels so different. It isn’t like what it is 2 years ago. No more pampering, no more significance. I don’t feel like I’m as important as i was 2 years ago. Sadly, you don’t even wanna meet me.

I may appear happy and loud on the outside around both my friends and you. But truthfully, I feel terrible. I’m a total different person when I’m locked up in my room alone.

I’ve been trying to give in, trying to make you happy. No matter how upset I get, I try my best not to show it. I can definitely say I’m learning how to keep my emotions to myself, trying my best not to affect others around me. Guess that’s what you’d thought me.

I can’t be that princess you used to dote on anymore. You’d reject my calls, ignore my messages. I had to swallow it, and still am. I guess you don’t even know I’m breaking down real badly now. I’m trying to change, and you are too, but not to the person I wanted you to change to. I want the old you back. I want the sweetness to last. But it’s a whole different story now.

You told me not to compare, but it’s really hard for me not to. Seeing others right infront of my eyes, I can’t ignore it but to feel that simple word called ‘jealousy’. I know you ain’t someone who expresses yourself very well, you ain’t much of a sweet-talker, but actions can prove it. I’ve not seen very much of this in a very long time.

This space is the only place I can rant my thoughts out. I’ve been hiding everything, every single little thing. So as to not upset you. I’d tried my best, I really did. All I want is for you to be back to your old-self. I still love you.

Happy 2nd anniversary, love. 

Was over at Baby’s this afternoon. Wasn’t feeling that well, so we slept till the late evening before heading over to town. Met my supplier and over to Far East Plaza for dinner with Baby.

Though it was only a short span of time out with Baby, I felt loved all over again. Today just seemed different and I liked it. Really hope he’ll treat me like a little princess on my birthday, and grant all my simple wishes. Don’t want my birthday to turn out like any other ordinary day.

Love you Babyboy. (K)

Not My Day

Just call it pure unluckiness today. First was the $20 which I gave to this slimming shop unreluctantly, which I don’t even feel like attending the seminar this coming Saturday. Then next was my Blackberry. Changed to a brand new one today, and now it’s spoilt, thanks to my itchy fingers. Tried to change to my new Blackberry housing, which failed. Now my eyes are itching and hurting. Sigh.

Though Baby called today, I knew he wasn’t happy with me. And of course I didn’t feel good at all. I knew he would be pissed when I tell him about the slimming vitamin drink. Tears were about to roll down my eyes when he talked to me in that manner. I really didn’t want to give them that amount of money, but they kept bugging me. I had no choice even if I wanted to leave. I’ve been like that all these years. Never rejected what’s infront of me, even if I know I don’t want it. I really can’t control. Just speaking of this, tears are rolling down my face. I feel cheated, hurt and unloved all of a sudden. I really needed some care when I was at my weakest, but I guess not.

Reasons why I thought I would like to try out the slimming vitamin drink: 1. Lack of confidence 2. Feel insecure 3. Jealousy 4. Feeling fat 5. To make Baby happy

But I guess all that isn’t working for me at all. Instead of trying to become slimmer, I think I’ve put on weight(though it’s just slightly). No one can ever understand how I’m feeling now. I feel so useless.

It’s been so long since I last cried. For me, it’s been a great achievement. I really want Baby to be back right now, but I know I’ve 2 more days to go without him around.

<br>♥ 02 November 08’

<br>♥ 02 November 08’

Afraid

The manufacturer came to pass me my medication for my Psoriasis(skin problem). Some words he said really hurt me. Don’t think he or even my parents knew I was feeling upset by the way he was speaking. He put it in a way that as though I don’t want my skin to recover. He said something like, you’re a girl, need to take care. Cause my parents kept telling him I’m always sleeping late.

I’m more afraid than anyone else, why wouldn’t I want my skin to recover? I really don’t know what I did to deserve all these. I feel ugly, eventhough others may say I’m not even with my skin problem. I really hate it. I might have even scared some people away, thinking that it’s contagious when it’s not. I really felt like crying at that point of time, but I controlled. Guess they really didn’t know.

Now, I’ve gotta sleep early, avoid chicken, alcohol, nuts, beancurd, oily/fried food and no dying of hair. Sigh. I really wanna recover so badly. And I want my Baby to be back, because he won’t say such hurtful things to me.

He never ever said anything bad about my skin problem. He’d never ever despise me cause of my skin, even at the very beginning. When I wasn’t together with him yet, I already had my horrible skin. He still got together with me. It was when I was with him that my Psoriasis was mostly cured. And when it came back again, he helped me by not letting me eat chicken and nagged at me whenever I don’t sleep early.

No one can understand how I feel my pain and agony. Baby, please be back soon. :’(

Day 9

Dear Diary,

I really miss my precious boy. Everytime I write something about him, my eyes just start to turn really watery. Even now. I really want him to be back by my side now. I feel really terrible.

I feel as though I’m a lousy girlfriend. All I did for him when he left for sailing, was just a stupid small photo album. Dumb or what? Why couldn’t I make something more for him? I’ve just read about this girl, who knitted a scarf for her boyfriend as he was going to US, also because of NS. I feel really inferior. Why?! Why can’t I be more useless and thoughtful?! I guess the only things I know how to do, is to waste money and throw tantrums. That’s why Baby is always so upset with me.

I need a hug from Baby so badly now, or even just a phone call. Tears can’t stop flowing down from my eyes. It’s still such a long way more to go. It’s only day 9 and I’m feeling so terrible on the inside. I really wish I could just sleep throughout, until the day Baby is back. I know I’m saying the impossible, but that is the only thing I can do now.

I miss you terribly Baby. Please please please, be back soon and save me from all the torture. :’(

Day 2

Exams are finally over, but Baby’s not here with me to celebrate. He left for sailing to India just yesterday, and will be gone for almost 2 months. Sigh, time really crawls when he’s not here with me. It just feels really different.

I’ve to keep myself really occupied with other stuff to prevent me from thinking about him. I’ve no one to randomly call and disturb anymore. No one to remind me when I do something wrong, no one to comfort me when I’m frustrated/angry/sad.

I don’t even understand why my parents dislike him. Though he ain’t too good in his studies, doesn’t mean that he isn’t able to earn and provide in the future. I hate people who look down on him, and it has to be my parents. Everyone else can do everything and anything they want to with their parents’ support, but no, it has to not be me. They might seem to be protecting me, but do they ever remind themselves, they make mistakes too? No, they don’t. Because they think everything they do are right, and what we do are wrong. Hate it.

Guess I’ll be here real often from now on since Baby’s not here to listen me grumble anymore. Oh, and something really made my day this morning! Baby called me with the phone on his ship! Hehehe. Usually I hate how people call and disturb me when I’m asleep. But this is really an exception! I love him, neither you, you or you can change my mind. Because I am the only person who really knows and understands him. He may appear to look like those kiddy boy, but no, his mind tells a different story. He ain’t those average boys who just thinks of playing, that I’m sure.

I love you Baby!

Helpless

I’m really stressed out about my upcoming exams which is happening this coming Monday. I’m afraid I can’t do well, I’m afraid I wouldn’t know how to answer the questions. There’s 4 subjects, I’ve not touched on 2 of them yet. I’m really freaking out now and there’s no one I can turn to. The two people I rely on most(besides my family) has left Singapore.

Baby has left for sailing yesterday, and will only be back tomorrow. I’m missing him terribly. I wanna talk to him, only he knows how to make me feel better. I’m starting to tear as I type this, I don’t know why. Baby, please come back soon. I need you here with me now. 

Charmaine’s also leaving in a few minutes for Italy. Now there’s no one who’s gonna call me and tell me random stuff anymore and say bye after a few seconds. I can’t call her when I need her anymore.

I’m missing the both of you! Please hurry back! I really can’t take this alone. :’(

Louis Vuitton Or Gucci

Charmaine’s leaving on Wednesday for Italy! So Mummy got me to check which Louis Vuitton/Gucci bag I’d like to get. So so so eggcited! 

Damier Ebene or Monogram? Hehehe. Happy happy happy! I love Mommy!